I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
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