I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
