There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I forget how to act sober
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize