I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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