you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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