Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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