i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
