dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
