Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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