he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
