i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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