i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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