One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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