turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize