wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
