I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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