It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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