Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize