He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I pour the whiskey from now on
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
