I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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