I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize