I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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