And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's blow job season.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize