1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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