He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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