are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
