I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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