Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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