dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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