Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
