Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
