there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
