Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
