And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
