I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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