im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
