Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
