i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
