Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
