he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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