I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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