Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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