i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
