I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I am mentally ready for anal.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
