you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
