just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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