Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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