Jerry, you need to find god
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
