My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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