guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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