i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She needs sedatives and a leash
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
