Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
