Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
