Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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