You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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