When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
