dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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