just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
