lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize