You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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