What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
