I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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