How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
