Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
