you turned your livingroom into a bong?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
