I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
