Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
