I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
