You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
