I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
